From Fitzroy’s Private Diary (Extract 177)
In my job, one of the skills I’ve had to acquire is the ability to assess whether two people genuinely like each other or not. This ranges from simple things, like watching which way someone points their feet when standing in a conversation with someone else, to spotting those occasions when a lady picks a bit of fluff off a gentleman’s jacket. In the first instance, if someone’s feet are pointed away from their interlocutor, it betrays their desire to be elsewhere. In the second instance, it usually means that a sister-in-law is somewhat closer to her brother-in-law than is considered proper.
It’s quite remarkable how predictable people are. It’s like we’ve all been pre-set with certain expressions and gestures that give away our innermost thoughts and feelings. I, of course, being a master of such skills, enjoy sending the most confusing messages to my fellow humans.
Dogs, it transpires, are much the same. Jack has a very different expression – to my eyes at least – when his canine jaws are parted in a happy greeting compared to when he’s slyly contemplating giving a little nip. He loves to nip ladies’ ankles, but being a gentleman’s dog, he never draws blood. However, on more than one occasion, if I haven’t kept an eye on him, there’ll be a sudden unladylike yelp from my female companion, followed by a small white shape shooting out from under her skirts. I really shouldn’t find this funny, but I’m afraid I do. What’s more, the ladies who take it with good grace tend to be the one’s whose company I prefer. It’s clear that there’s no real malice in Jack. He’s a very affectionate beast at heart. Quite noble too. Why, I could record the things he’s done on missions and make a very compelling argument as to why he should be on staff (more so than several of my colleagues).
It all goes to show, observation is key. So if my eye lingers on a lovely lady’s form, I am – you can be assured – merely assessing her credentials and relationship status for the good of the Kingdom. As I’ve stated before, putting one’s duty above all else is a task for which I am eminently suited.