From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 28)

The first mission Alice and I undertook together was long, messy, and tiresome. I still have the scars.

Usually on a mission, in between the boredom and the frantic bits, I quite enjoy myself. But I was on edge for all of our time together. Only having Jack kept me sane.  Alice, on the other hand, was courageous, insightful, daring, annoying and a complete pain in the neck. After that field trip together, we didn’t work side by side for some time. I told her this was simply the way the missions had fallen. I contacted her most days and arranged for myself to be able to receive messages even in the field.

I lied. Our separation was entirely my choice. Whether she eventually discovered this or not, I have never enquired. On that initial mission I was the senior officer. I choose to take Alice to develop her training. I ended up pitying my own trainer, so much did she reminded me of my behaviour when I first joined the service. I was impulsive. My emotions were raw, and I played my hunches. I still have all of those traits, but I have learned to control them. To be cool and clear headed in danger, and while I can react quickly, I always try to bear in mind the long-term outcome. But in Alice’s company, that clear sightedness quickly became more and more obscured.

At first, I attributed this to my doubts that Alice belonged in the field. Almost before we were out of the gate, she had done something outrageous, and I thought at the time, unjustifiable. Later, I thought her presence reminded me too much of my failure to save her father. His untimely death had radically changed the course of her life and put her on an intercept path with me and my shadowy world.

But I am not generally a man to feel regret or remorse. I see little point in these emotions. One must learn from experience, but the past cannot be changed, and it is foolish to fantasise that it can be. I have done unpleasant, and immoral, things in the service of my country, but in each case, I have taken no pleasure in these actions. I merely done what I deemed necessary by duty.

Overall, although I pride myself on my acting, I do not allow myself to feel strong emotions while in the field. Except, with Alice, I did. As a trainee I was responsible for her. I have trained others before - and in far darker matters too. But with Alice, the responsibility felt crushing. I was so overwhelmed by it that I made several mistakes that, in all honesty, I do not believe I would otherwise have made.

So, it was clear I needed to separate us in the field for the sake of the service, and ourselves, until the underlying cause of this issue was resolved.

At first, I believed that cause was myself and my attitude towards the fairer sex. No matter how much I respect and admire the abilities of intelligent women, I have a tendency to feel a duty to protect them. Of course, the last thing one wants to feel on a mission is that one must protect their partner. Yes, she was my junior, but the department has always had a robust sink or swim attitude to new recruits. I could not allow Alice to sink, and constantly stepped in to protect her. She grew rather cross about this and suggested I re-examine my beliefs. She even gave me a little talk as to why I was like this. It was a most believable hypothesis and I let her think I believed her. I never told her the real reason, and after a time, I managed to get myself in hand. I still thought about her safety, but after her completion of two solo missions, I forced myself to accept her, if not my equal in experience, as a fully trained and competent field officer in her own right. When Hope came along that all changed. Of this, I was most grateful. I do not know how much longer I could have kept up the charade. It remained imperative she did not - does not - uncover the truth.