From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 111)
One’s position in bed is something every gentleman should ponder. Indeed, he should actively investigate alternatives - whether he be married, entangled with a mistress or simply a bachelor.
When I am resting alone, I have discovered that I sleep best in either the ‘dead man’s float’ with my face turned slightly away from my pillow, or the ‘starfish’ with my limbs spread out wide. Neither of these is a suitable posture when I am with a dear lady, or indeed, when I am on a mission.
Whilst on a mission I must always be ready to leap out of bed at the drop of a hat or, I suppose, a pillow, to deal with any incoming danger. As I always opt to sleep without any nightclothes, if I can, this means that in such rare occurrences I must throw modesty to the winds if I must tackle an opponent. I believe I am as coy as any British gentleman when it comes to displaying my personal attributes to a member of the same sex, but I push any such civil inclinations to the side when I or my companion is in danger. No, the dead man’s float or the starfish will just not do when one is on duty. I therefore either sleep on my side, facing the most likely point of ingress (such as a window or a door), or on my back. In either position, if one is even slightly overweight, one is liable to snore and so, for both the circumstances of romance and duty, it is vital to keep oneself in excellent physical shape.
Woe be the man whose mistress leaves him because he snores, but dead be the spy who sleeps under camouflage in the open and snores like a chainsaw.
When the situation is secure, I like to let my lady fall asleep in my arms. However, one must take care that once she is safely in the land of dreams, one can gently roll her to one side, thus avoiding the pain of having a numb arm all night. With this is mind, I prefer not to entwine lower appendages when sleep is the only possibility on the bedroom menu. Alas, so many women have such little stamina, beautiful though they may be, it is only another highly trained and physically fit (female) spy, who is able to adequately keep company with me through the night. Therefore, it is necessary to keep some physical distance from my lover when we sleep, least my recurrent desire awaken her in a most common fashion.
In conclusion, if one wishes true rest, I prescribe not only a secure situation, but lone occupancy of a bed. To truly sleep as one wishes and enter the deepest of slumbers, I find, I must be alone.
Still, when tempted by the alternative, sleep isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.