From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 156)

So, the New Year cometh, and I’m making my plans. The house party I’m currently attending, and which was surprisingly enjoyable at the start of the Christmas period, is descending into slaughter.

On New Year’s Day there’s to be a duck hunt. For this monstrous event the local ducks have, as far as I can ascertain, been bred, fed, and lured to live out at the end of the estate where the marshlands meet the land. More than twelve determined guests are set to go out and shoot from a number of well concealed hides and boats. The boot room is currently awash with ammunition.

I am, naturally, invited. Since the invitation was issued, I’ve been making plans to sabotage the hunt. I don’t like such abject slaughter and I imagine that less than half of the birds will end up being eaten. All of the guests going are good shots. Some of them superb shots.

Of course, it’s easy enough to hole the boats, and leave unpleasant surprises in the hides, but I’ve been thinking about small incendiary devices. The kind I have used to make as a child when I was bored during the holidays. Easy enough to make from kitchen sourced ingredients and although they make a nice loud bang, and create quite a flash, they almost never do any real damage to the person unfortunate enough to set them off.

I sat in my bed last night finalising my plans until I realised, I can’t do it. Firstly, because Alice will know at once that it was myself who ruined her husband’s day. She’s no great enthusiast for hunts, but she’s a great enthusiast of her husband and she’ll be exceedingly angry with me. Never a pleasant experience. I don’t mind being thrown out of the house. I have, by now, drunk and eaten my fill, and the other guests are being a drag on my soul, like Marley’s chains. Still, I don’t like upsetting Alice. It’s not only that I don’t want her to be upset, but it’ll cost me a deuce of a lot to get back into her good books. As we must work together, and as I’ll have been the cause of the disagreement, it’ll be down to me to patch things up. After all, that’s only cricket.

Secondly, and the main reason that is stopping me from going all-out on this plan, is that two significant dignitaries, who are also staying here, are planning to attend. There’d be one hell of a commotion if I blew either of them up, even if it was only a tiny explosion.

I’m going to have contend myself with going out late on New Year’s Eve and doing my best to scare the creatures from their home, with as minimal a disruption as possible. Everyone should be partying enough that I should be able to slip away. I’ll have to make it look like an action of nature that so many birds have vacated the premises, which’ll not only take time, but entail my getting rather wet into the bargain.

I’m damned annoyed about the whole thing. I only have decent clothing with me, so I’ll have to ruin something. In fact, I’ve decided that I deserve a prize for my restraint. One of the young ladies here has been making eyes at me, and despite what I’d implicitly agreed with Alice about not making mischief while under her roof, I’ll test the boundaries. I don’t have to seduce her, for if the young lady is as attracted to me as she’s indicated’ I’ll take her to bed and make both our New Year’s celebrations that much more joyous.

If I’m truthful, how could she resist with such a fine specimen of manhood? I only hope Alice doesn’t find out or I’ll really be in the soup.