From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 67)
I have always told Alice that my morals are none of her concern. However, having been brought up in a vicarage, she never seemed able to let this entirely go. I suppose I shouldn’t have hoped otherwise, but I did.
I have a strong dislike for the taking of life, be it man or beast. In my career, to my sorrow, I have more than once been called upon to what I jokingly refer to as accelerating another’s morality. I make the joke to disguise my distaste for it. Someone in my profession is not meant to be bothered by such things. A traitor, a serious criminal or even a spy from another realm are meant to be no bother for me to dispatch. But they are.
I believe the service wants us all to be more like one particular man I trained, codenamed Cole. He was cold enough when he killed to be borderline psychopathic. I seem to recall that I even had doubts about unleashing him upon the world. He did extremely well as a sniper during the Great War. He could watch a man, either desperate or hopeful, on the front line for as long as it took to get a decent shot. I am still unsure if his level of empathy was low, or simply absent.
At least I have been trained to kill cleanly and quickly. But this is the thing that Alice never, not once during our time together, commented on - my executing someone, even if she was present at the time. She had no doubts morally about my actions, and once even acknowledged she knew I did my utmost not to kill, and so that when I did, she knew it was a last resort, and that it affected me deeply.
I cannot say the few times she was forced to defend herself, or the realm, in the same way it seemed to affect her at all. For a long time that worried me - and to some degree still does.
No, the thing Alice continually berated me about is my love life, which is frankly none of her concern. She made such a nuisance of herself over my affairs, which I always did my best to conceal. I mean, I took considerable pains to conceal my private affairs. If I was seducing someone in the line of duty, that was more difficult to conceal. I’m not even sure which she took harder. But neither was any of her business. Although on an operation together, I would have preferred to discuss the second action as an option with a partner who didn’t snort disparagingly so much at me.
After her first lecture on my morals I sternly told her to stand down. She didn’t repeat her mistake but grew sullen and moody whenever any of my shenanigans came to light. I suppose I should confess that I was mildly impressed that she managed to figure out events in my private life. Mildly impressed, and rather disconcerted. I am used to being able to hide things fairly easily from others. Alice proved the exception.
Eventually, my discomfort began to affect my performance, so I sat Alice down to talk seriously. I didn’t even bother repeating this was none of her business. That statement she had clearly only paid lip service towards. Instead, I explained in embarrassing detail - embarrassing detail to me - my personal code for relating to members of the fairer sex.
She listened with apparent interest, and remarked, ‘that it seemed I did have my own code.’ At which point I roared like a lion having been driven to distraction by my so-called partner. Raising my voice, I stressed that I live by code of honour and consider myself an honourable man. Anyone else would have run from me. Alice sat, totally composed, and when I paused for breath, asked me if I would like to rant at her a little longer, because she had been hoping to make bread that afternoon. Something of an experiment for her, for she was not more than an average cook. It quite took the wind from sales, as she had intended. I sat down deflated. At this point, the outrageous woman patted me on the knee, and told me not to worry about it. She further said, that my love affairs were none of her business. Then she got up and left.
If any man had come past me at that moment, I believe I would have punched him in the face, I was so enraged. However, no one did, and I took myself off to the local public house to flirt with the rather pretty new barmaid and discover if she offered an out-of-hours service.
From this point on Alice contented herself with small snorts, and disapproving looks whenever my love life intruded between us and I, well, I simply grew a thicker hide.