From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 90)

Of late, I’ve had the time and space to start teaching Alice how to work on analysis and other such things.  My thinking is her honeymoon period with the service is almost over. It’s certainly lasted longer than mine, which ended before it started, more or less, in the last Balkan revolution.

Like myself, she enjoys enormously risking her neck - jumping off things, tricking her way past sentries, and all that. The kind of derring-do that earns the job the misnomer of ‘the great game’. Thing is, when you’re out in the field on a mission, you have your sights focused on a goal and will generally do whatever is necessary to achieve it.

The longer you’re in the game, the more you get to know the other players. Foes are often the only ones who understand your world and become an odd sort of friendly rival. It’s all a bit sheltering. I mean, when you sit down and start thinking about the global impact of what’s happening then things stop being about you and whatever stick you’re chasing. You begin to see the bigger picture. You understand how the plays and interplays may affect the lives of thousands. It’s horribly sobering.

I admit, I try, when in the field, to push the bigger picture to the back of my mind. Dwelling on your responsibilities mid-mission isn’t going to help anyone. Of course, I look out for signs that the bigger picture is changing. That comes with experience and is expected on the more time dependant and vital missions. But, on the whole, I throw myself into things and do my best to have a good time. It’s the way I work best.

It doesn’t mean I’m ignorant of my responsibilities, but rather burdening myself with woes and doubts won’t help anyone, least of all myself. I’ve seen some dicey times when I thought we were all heading straight to hell, but somehow or another the old train righted itself on the tracks and rumbled on.

It’s part of my job to help avert the worst of times, but this is only possible if I do not fear them. Fear is paralysing. I must trust in God, King, and my colleagues. It’s never my job to consume myself with the worries of our fragile world. I am not that important. I can only do my bit.

I am seeing frown lines form on Alice’s forehead. The weight of her responsibility as an Agent of the Crown has hit her hard. I want to explain the limitations of the burden we can individually bear, but I fear I have played the Bon Vivant around her too much for her to take me seriously. I can only hope that, in time, she will come to understand that her duty as an agent may bring trials, but it does not have to extinguish all her happiness. Terrible things may or may not happen but it’s folly to expect to be the one to save the world, and everybody in it. Such thoughts lead to madness and the rising of dictators. Not that I wouldn’t make a jolly fine dictator.