From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 159)

There are certain phrases in the English language that all gentleman tremble upon hearing.

‘Darling, I have something to tell you…’ accompanied by fluttering eyelashes and a winsome look from a wife or mistress. Usually, the lady in question is pregnant, or has committed a minor indiscretion, such as spending all the housekeeping money for the week on a hat, or a small dog (or, possibly, a small dog worn as a hat? I’ll never understand female fashions. I prefer less material, not more).

Or even, ‘Darling, you remember so-and-so?’ If they were a friend, they’re dead. If they’re someone you detest, they’re coming to dinner.

Or there’s also, ‘I feel a sick headache coming on.’ The gentleman has likely forgotten an anniversary and his life will be a misery for weeks to come.

There are other general sundries, such as those uttered upon sight of one’s sartorial choices. ‘Interesting’, ‘How Novel’ and ‘Is that what you’re wearing?’ Or my favourite, ‘I’m sorry, I didn’t realise it was a fancy dress party.’

Between ladies, the language is usually more innocent, and the meaning even more vicious. ‘Oh, it’s been an age since I saw you,’ meaning what a shame that age has ended. Or ‘How very brave you are to…’ and whatever follows is deemed foolish to the point of stupidity.

I admit, I do enjoy the ‘How is your husband?’ spoken to a lady who has recently become someone else’s mistress. Or, of a baby, ‘What a chubby faced little cherub he is. He clearly takes after you.’

But, of course, these are observed conversations. None have ever applied to me. No, the worst one I hear is, ‘Something must be done.’ This usually means the speaker has failed to do something, disaster has ensued, and the speaker is looking for someone to blame. It’s a phrase that grows in the telling. Usually, it’s muttered first by old men in their clubs, and is a sign that an ill wind is blowing. If uttered by a senior member of the department, it means they’re out of ideas and are looking for inspiration. When a parliamentarian utters such a phrase, it normally means he’s spotted an opportunity to bend the public will to his point of view and create a change the likes of which the public wouldn’t normally tolerate.

You’ll note that this phrase is never expressed as ‘I must do something!’ The speaker calling for change invariably has no interest in doing any actual work. No, they wish simply to be the catalyst, and for history to attribute such a change, if successful, to them. But do they actually do a lick of work themselves? Never!

Whenever I go to the Houses of Parliament, I do my best to eat and drink them out of house and home when I gain access to any of their dining establishments. Their food is ridiculously cheap for such well padded pockets. Eating my fill there is the only way I know if getting value for my taxes.

And, for clarity, I do not support any particular political party. I’m apolitical. I hate the damn lot of them. All of them are nothing more than men of words, who sent others to do their actions, and in the worst of times, to die for them.