From Fitzroy's Private Diary (Extract 160)

I believe I’m no different to most men in that, on occasion, I awake in the middle night with the strangest of thoughts. One’s brain, still half in the dream world, attempts to enter one’s normal state of reason and the oddest thought processes occur.

One night I was sleeping alone - if I awaken while with a companion any passing thoughts are quickly pushed aside - and I found myself thinking about shoes. In particular, my own fine handmade shoes that Jack is so keen to chew. I believe I must have been having a nightmare, for before I was fully awake, I found myself standing in front of my wardrobe checking that said items remained intact and out of my canine companion’s reach. Speaking of whom, he had once again found his way to the end of my bed and was snoring loudly.

I have quite excellent night sight, so I was able to do this and return to bed without having to put on a light, thereby disturbing the dog. Jack can, on occasion, bounce exceedingly high for such a small dog, and should he ascertain where I keep my favourite shoes, I’m sure he would exhaust himself trying to get to them.

But, as I lay there in the dark, I began to wonder why Jack was so eager to eat my shoes. I fear, I must already have been tumbling back into sleep, for my brain produced the idea that perhaps my shoes smelled like sausages to Jack. Or, worse still, bacon.

Of course, the only reason my shoes could possibly smell of either would be if my feet smelled likewise. Such was my dream ridden state, I became acutely worried that my feet smelled like some of Jack’s favourite meats. I won’t say I reasoned the need to investigate at once, for there was clearly no reason to be found in my sleepy brain. I soon found myself twisting into various contortions in an attempt to smell my own feet without disturbing the dog. I’m fairly limber and was quickly able to assure myself that my feet smelled only of the extremely expensive soap I use (I tend to indulge myself at home for while on a mission I may have no access soap for days and it’s quite a punishment for a gentleman of my sensibilities). I fell asleep quite content, only to be awoken the next morning with Jack nibbling at my toes!

I decided the only thing to do was to make light of the whole ridiculous situation, and have since used the story when in bed, naked with any of my paramours. Not only does it make the ladies laugh, but also allows me to demonstrate my flexibility, which can lead to the most delightful of situations.